April 15th 2012: The Day of My Last Drink
I had been in Alcoholics Anonymous for 2 years and experienced several relapses before the final one. I was around 9 months sober before- this time- I embarked on a 2 week binge, ending in disaster.
I had been living with my ex-boyfriend who was also in recovery and- as he was trying to stop me- I literally moved house to get away from him and get away with drinking. I decided to take the journey back to my parents’ at the start of the ordeal where I knew for sure that no one would try and stop me from picking up a drink. I didn’t even make it to my destination before I relapsed; I had some wine off the trolley on the train.
When I arrived at my parents’ I immediately went out to buy a couple of bottles of wine and spent the evening getting drunk, alone.
On my second day there I went to a house party and got totally wasted, followed by buying more alcohol to take home with me and get so drunk I couldn’t talk or stand.
The binge ended when I returned home and changed to ‘normal’ drinking. I think, subconsciously, I was trying to control my drinking in order to prove to myself and others that I no longer had a problem. I still drank every day for a week and a half but I was able to drink half a bottle and put it back in the fridge until the following day. Alas, no matter what I drank or how much, the alcohol was not affecting me. And so, heading towards another 2 weeks of ‘controlled’ drinking and insisting to everyone that knew me that I wasn’t an alcoholic anymore, the bingeing returned.
I would sit at my desk drinking shot after shot of vodka, desperate for it to have an effect. I started self-harming again and relapsed into my eating disorder. On the final night; on the day of my last drink, I took an overdose. Before I took the pills and as I swallowed them I believed I was making the right decision, because I didn’t think I could handle all the pain this time around; that I wouldn’t be able to come back from it. But directly after taking the pills I regretted it and called my then-boyfriend, freaking out. He called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital.
By the time I got in the ambulance I was off my face on all the sedatives I’d taken.
Lying in the hospital bed, I contemplated how on earth this was all happening again. Deserted by my boyfriend who couldn’t cope with my issues anymore, I was completely alone.
That was the moment I knew I had to make a lot of improvements in my life, most pertinently to get sober, for good this time. I just wanted to be happy and I realised a life involving alcohol would not amount to that.
Staying sober was tough for a long time after that and I was tempted to drink on many occasions. But I did it. I sit here now, looking forward to celebrating 3 years of solid and consistent sobriety in less than 2 weeks and unbelievably proud of myself. My life is so much better and getting sober is the best thing I’ve ever done with my life.