A Terrible Illness

Dear Reader,

Since I am inactive at the moment (due to my illness), I am posting old diary entries of mine daily; ones which are in keeping with the theme of this blog. This next one describes a bad spell of anorexia.

Saturday 2nd January 2008

Horrible night. My ankles really ache. Everything hurts and I’m exhausted. I dreamed about binging, as usual. I was freezing last night as well. Mum suggests it’s because i don’t have the fuel to heat my body. Whatever. I’m sure I’ve gone days without eating a thing in the past and still been overheated in bed, if anything. This morning when I got up, dad was saying “We’re going shopping today. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen real food”. I can’t stress how much it annoys me when he keeps making comments like that. Although it does give me even more strength to go on, since the thought of eating food pretty much repulses me most of the time.

I managed to do 24 lengths in the pool last night, which was reasonable-could have done better-but reasonable. If I’d spent the night with my friend there would have been some point in the night when she’d offer me food or a meal, and I’d have to say “I’ve eaten”, and look at the food hungrily. So perhaps it turned out for the best that I swam alone.

I almost convinced myself to stop going on pro-ana last night. A girl posted a comment saying how she’d like some tips-which is a big mistake to make on that community. She was attacked by quite a few of the members saying “This isn’t the community for you. Do you even have an eating disorder? You can’t just ‘catch’ and eating disorder”. I have to say that I agree, but it freaked me out a little. I don’t even know if I can be categorised at the moment. I mean, I’ve certainly never had fully developed anorexia, it was more a case of – over the past 3 years I showed symptoms of some sort of un-diagnosed eating disorders, and my habits were interchanging up until the summer of 2006. Then it was just starving myself, which turned into bulimia. My bulimic tendencies went on for, what, a year and a half? Something like that. Maybe only a year. And now? I guess have been “recovering” and just kept on repeatedly relapsing. And now I’ve given up on whatever I was trying to recover from and become even more obsessed with restricting and trying to lose weight fast.

You just have to be careful, calling what you have an eating disorder when it doesn’t have a name. However, in my case there is certainly no doubt about the fact that I have a long-term problem. It’s all I think about. It is my control mechanism. Eating a normal-ish diet simply doesn’t work for me. If I can keep these binges under control as well as I have been then fantastic. Because bulimia sucks, it makes you fat. I couldn’t really care less what anyone else says. Like I said in a previous entry: I will give this up when something else comes into my life which is powerful enough to make me feel. Right now…This is all I have.

I am slowly losing the plot. I tell you now; I hope I don’t screw this up completely. I hope i make it to my goals, that is. As in, my long- term ones including university and travelling and love. I hope that I’ll soon fall in love with someone that loves me back. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever. But then, I’m so closed up at the moment that it would be difficult to shine. The last time I can remember being able to shine with my true personality and let someone in was an entire year ago.

Going for a hot shower now to wash away all of that crap I feel.

“I strive for perfection, I drive myself on that. My dream may be far off, but each kilo that falls off, I am one step closer than before. Knowing I am getting closer, gives me energy to keep going. So I do not give up. ”

Later: 10:05pm.

I am SO fat. My friend said to me earlier, when food and my body image issues came up, as usual, “I think you’re a healthy weight at the moment”. VOMIT. Do you know how that sounds to me? It is like being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. I want this so much. I know that i will have it. It just seems so very far away at times like this.  *sigh*. I WILL get there.

I calculated my BMI today and I am around 19.1 which is much better than 21.4, ew. When I reach my next goal weight , which I estimate is around 3 weeks away from me, my BMI will be 18.1 which is considered to be underweight. THEN I will be happy. Well, not happy but slightly more content and less disgusted with myself. I feel so full from the alcohol right now but I plan to do 25 lengths in the pool tomorrow which will at least burn off the wine.

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