The Dreaded Day Arrives

Dear Reader,

So, it’s finally over. Well, the procedure itself that is.

I went for my colonoscopy yesterday. It was quite an ordeal which I wasn’t exactly expecting. Before it even began I managed to pass out in the prep room. It may have been nerves or it may have been when the nurse made a mistake putting the cannula in my arm and sprayed my blood everywhere (I’m not big on needles as it is). Whatever the case, I suddenly felt very lightheaded and sensitive to the light followed by tunnel vision, ringing in my ears, echoing voices and a feeling of extreme sickness. Finally I passed out for a few seconds and my body corrected itself.

The surgeon was not at all sympathetic and still proceeded to wheel me into the operating theatre immediately, whilst I was still feeling odd. I was so nervous about the whole thing that I cried a little. Fortunately my boyfriend was with me for a while and the nurse was lovely and understanding.

I was given an IV sedative and constant gas and air throughout. I was told that the sedative would make me very sleepy and feel like I’d ‘had a few gin and tonics’ (oh the irony). However aside from feeling a little lightheaded I felt nothing; it didn’t even touch me. Due to this, I felt every bit of the procedure and spent most of the 15 minutes groaning in pain.

The surgeon took multiple biopsies and I could feel him cutting away at my insides which was extremely unpleasant to say the least.

Afterwards I was taken into the recovery room where I was fussed over for no reason. They weren’t going to let me leave until I’d eaten something (I had been fasting for several days) but- being a vegan- they had nothing remotely suitable and eventually let me go.

Since then the pain has been awful. I am bleeding badly from where I have had several pieces cut out of me and I feel depressed.

Still, it’s only a matter of days now before I will finally discover why my body is failing me.

As for other matters, as anticipated, the anorexia has returned. I have already lost a fair amount of weight but I know I will have to make a lot of effort to get back down to the size I wish to be. Saying that, I know, deep down, I will never be the size I want to be because no matter how tiny I get, I will always need to be thinner.

I am yours and just about still here,

Michaela

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