I have been in remission from anorexia since June of last year but the voice is really on me today. I have made a lot of progress with keeping things under control since then but in the process I’ve gained several stone. I guess you could call my size ‘healthy’ but- to me- I am fat.
Perhaps it’s due to all the stress, I don’t know, but something happened to me last night and I feel I am on the verge of a relapse into the disorder. I have already made the decision not to eat today and generally, in the past, whenever I have made such a decision I always go through with it.
You may have read in a previous post that I become incredibly obsessive during a relapse and I can already hear the anorexic voice loud and clear, saying this has to be it, I have to lose all the weight or something bad is going to happen; that I cannot possibly be happy being this size any longer.
I’ve gone from a size six to a size ten since the summer and I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. While many women are happy being this size I am disgusted by myself. I have been asked the same question many times: Do I think other women my size are fat. The answer is no, I just apply different rules to myself. I feel like I am not designed to be the size I am when I eat ‘normally.’ On top of that, even during remission, I cannot enjoy food because the voice is always there, punishing me, it’s just not worth all the anguish I have to go through so I think, why eat?