Sorrow

Dear Reader,

It has been a while since I updated you on what has been going on in my life. So much has happened since my last post that it will be difficult to recall everything, but I will give it a t ry.

Not long after I wrote to you I went to see the consultant. I felt hope for a short amount of time when he told us that it is most likely to be a condition called colitis. Colitis is a terrible illness but very treatable and does not come with a death sentence, unlike cancer.

However, when I went to another department in the hospital to make an appointment for the test I was in tears of desperation once again. They gave me an appointment which (at that time) was six weeks later, and my appointment with the consultant (to discuss treatment options) to be another added month after the test.

I was so angry and ready to give up; the prospect of spending another ten weeks confined to my bed was awful.

The consultant wasn’t even going to send me for a blood test until my boyfriend suggested it and it turns out that it is not as he guessed; it’s not colitis.

Seeing as most other things have been ruled out we are back to assuming it is cancer.

On the up side, since it has been a long time since I posted here, I now only have to wait eight days before the deciding test. They should be able to give me a general idea of what is going on with me on the day and- depending on what they think- my appointment to discuss treatment could be brought forward.

No matter what it may be, I just want to know now.

As if I have been through enough recently, my grandma passed away last week. I am devastated. She wasn’t like a ‘normal’ grandparent to me, we were very close and as far as I’m concerned she helped to bring me up. She played such an important role in my life, especially when I was growing up.

I have returned home, to my parents’ to be around family and to attend the funeral next week. In this house I am surrounded by reminders of her, by all of the things she bought for me, even down to my slippers I have lived in for the past year.

I went with my mum to visit her house the other day. We went into the garden where we spent so much time together and I had flash backs of all the fun I had there, from playing under her willow tree as a child to sun bathing with her for hours on end. I loved her dearly.

The rest of my family on that side are now at war. My mum’s sister is causing hell. There are so many evil things she has done already that I could be here all day listing them. For example, she has taken over arrangements for the funeral and gone against all of my grandma’s wishes. My grandma specifically said- many times- that she didn’t want flowers while my auntie has gone and ordered a huge wreath.  My grandma wanted the wake in her own home while my auntie has arranged to hold it in the local town club. She didn’t want the wake to be about alcohol and yet now there will be a bar. It just goes on and on.

It hasn’t even been read yet and already everyone is fighting over who will get what in the will. My grandma always wanted me to have her jewellery- especially her engagement ring she had never taken off- and now my auntie is trying to do everything she can to take it for herself.

I think it is no less than disgusting that during this time of grief and sorrow everyone is more concerned about money.

For now I have many happy memories of her that I can concentrate on and not get involved with all the pettiness and selfishness. I am enjoying my time at home with my beautiful dog and my old, friendly bed to sleep in. I imagine my boyfriend is also making the most of his free time where he doesn’t have to constantly be my carer.

My next entry will be more on the topic of this blog and I will talk about some past and more recent issues with my mental health.

As always, yours faithfully,

Michaela.

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