A Lack Of Hope

Dear reader,

I called the outpatients department at my local hospital yesterday evening to ask a few questions in preparation for my long-awaited test on Monday.

Unexpectedly- and much to my dismay- I was told that my appointment on Monday is merely a consultation to prepare me for the test.

My heart dropped when the man on the other end of the phone said that. I have had this illness for over three months now and this test was initially booked two months ago; I have been through hell and high water, through several doctors to bring it forward.

I was led to believe by every one of those doctors that the test would be happening this coming Monday and to be honest that has been the only real thing that has kept me going.

Now all I know is that I have to wait and see what the consultant says in a couple of days, wondering if it could be another month or more before the test itself.

In the mean time the medication the doctor gave me to ‘keep me comfortable’ is no longer working as before.

I feel so terribly alone in this. I find it impossible to communicate to others just what this is like: to be in constant pain, to be forever weak and exhausted, to feel nauseous if not being sick, to have difficulty breathing and to have to use the toilet up to twenty times a day (I honestly could go on).

I am trying to be strong, I really am, but all of this isolation, pain and loneliness is finally taking its toll on  my mental health. I feel depressed. Whenever I have a moment alone I cannot help but cry out of sheer desperation to get over all of this as soon as possible. I do not know when- if ever- this is going to end. Three months and counting is too much for anyone to bare.

I usually end my posts with positive words but I am afraid I am lacking in those today. All I can tell you is that I am hanging in there.

Yours faithfully,

Michaela

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