I write to you from my bed to which I have been confined for multiple weeks. Understandably, I don’t have much to say.
I am frightened. My health deteriorates daily. I am becoming weaker and the pain is spreading to new areas. I am so tired I can hardly concentrate on watching or reading anything and so I spend most of my days just lying here, not even sleeping.
My boyfriend remains wonderful throughout all of this. He literally does everything for me: buys and cooks food for me, keeps me company, mops my brow when I have a fever, even washes my hair. I don’t know what I would do without him here.
Finally, after seeking the help of numerous doctors and visiting the hospital twice, my test has been brought forward. I still have to wait another two weeks (which I’m still not happy with) but I think if I have managed to hang on this long then I can hang on a little longer.
My GP has also ordered further tests in the meantime and I am currently awaiting to hear about an appointment with a consultant.
Of course, on the other hand, if I do continue to get worse before February then hospitalization will be the only option. I was in a bad way in the early hours of this morning. I was so feverish my eyes hurt and I couldn’t sleep due to the intense pain. I continued to feel that way until around mid-afternoon until I took some painkillers and hydrated myself.
Dehydration is a big problem at the moment; no matter how much I drink my body just doesn’t seem to absorb it. I lost my voice for two days because my throat is so dry all the time, my three day headache has only just passed and even my medication either gets stuck in my throat or comes back up sometimes.
I feel like if I could actually get up, go out and do something and see some friends I wouldn’t be feeling depressed on top of everything else. I’ve been quite tearful recently but I think that is a circumstantial thing rather than bipolar depression kicking in.
When I have something to concentrate on, such as if my boyfriend and I are watching a film together, I forget my situation and feel relatively normal. But I have these moments- mostly when I’m in a lot of pain- where I can’t believe this is happening to me. If it is cancer, that just seems unbelievable, no one ever imagines it could happen to them. It’s a bit like when you hear about tragic events happening on the news; you just can’t imagine being in that situation yourself.
But this is my reality now and I have to face it.
Whatever this horrible sickness turns out to be, I cannot wait to get on with my normal life again when I get better and I will certainly not be taking even the most mundane everyday tasks for granted again.