To The Future

Dear Reader,

I write to you on the eve of 2015.

So much has changed since this time last year to the point where it feels surreal. I feel that this is a good time to explain how I came to be in my current situation, starting from my graduation from university in May of this year.

Seven months ago, looking back, I feel like I had everything going for me. I was studying a subject which I was incredibly passionate about; I lived in a house which felt like a real home with the most wonderful housemates; I also lived with my cat whom I could not have loved more; I was in a steady, loving long-term relationship; I had a great social life both inside and outside of AA; my recovery was stronger than ever before; I was getting along with my family more than I had done in years and I was thinner than I had been in months- sadly that was of great importance to me.

However, it is easy in hindsight to only remember the best of my situation and compare it to how I feel in the present. Deep down, I have to admit to myself that I was incredibly unhappy. Although I didn’t know it yet, my relationship which I thought was rock solid was to come to a horrible, painful end right after I finished my degree. Both my anorexia and mood swings were running wild due to the stress of final essays. Truly, I was utterly depressed; this was made worse when I had to give up my best friend- my cat, Pookie- to the Cats Protection thanks to one of my housemates reporting me having her to university housekeeping (pets were not permitted at my university).

Little did I know I was about to have one of the worst summers of my life, both circumstantially and psychologically.

It all began with my then boyfriend suddenly breaking up with me. I travelled to London to see him after finishing my final essays, excited that the freedom of summer had arrived and I could spend quality time with him. On my third night there, he expressed his unhappiness with our relationship and said he could no longer envision a future for us. He proceeded to list off my character defects which he could not handle such as my low self-esteem and self-destructive nature. I have to admit that I can see why these things could make it difficult for anyone that close to me.

Despite this sudden ending, I remained in his flat for three more days, allowing him to carry on with me as if nothing had happened, in the ‘no-strings-attached’ fashion. When he went to work each morning I spent the entire day disabled by sadness and crying for hours on end. Often I felt the pain was too much to bare and contemplated drinking all the alcohol in the kitchen and throwing myself off of his sixth floor balcony.

This no-strings-attach situation with us continued almost the entire summer. I felt like I was undignified and a total pushover, perhaps I really was, perhaps I deserved better but my lack of self-esteem (ironically) prevented me from walking away; I was desperate for him to change his mind and thought he would eventually, but he never did.

I moved back to the Isle of Wight, to my parents’ after that and within days of being back my whole world turned upside-down.

One evening, I met with an old friend who is a professional photographer. He told me a man that owns a small modelling company had seen a picture of me and was interested in using me for some small campaigns. My friend offered to take some practice shots of me on the beach. The shoot went very well and I was happy with the photographs. On our way back to the car my friend lost his keys and so we started searching for them, in hope of finding them before it got dark.

A stranger came along and offered his help and so he and my friend went back to the beach to look while I stayed on the ravine. I realise only now that I must have been slightly manic when I randomly and irrationally made the decision to climb up a thirty foot cliff to look for them, even though he had not even been up there.

The way up was fine aside from a couple of cuts from the nettles. However I was dressed in a cream skirt and pumps and didn’t want to get dirty by going down on my behind and so I stupidly decided to try and climb do

wn by foot. Down I went, tumbling to the bottom and onto the concrete sea wall, narrowly missing falling off the edge and onto the jagged rocks below.

Unfortunately I landed on my right knee and unable to move it, even put it out straight.

This post is continued on 4th of January as I left it unfinished. The featured images were taken but my photographer friend the night I had my accident.

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