To The Future (continued)

To continue:

My friend took me to the hospital that night where I discovered that I had torn all of the ligaments in my right knee. I was given crutches and sent home.

I believe my having been isolated indoors- primarily in my kitchen- for five weeks contributed to me losing my mind shortly after the accident.

Over the space of a few days I became increasingly both hyper and depressed; my moods swung constantly from one state to another, sometimes in just an hour or so.

Approximately two weeks after my accident I experienced the worst psychotic episode in the history of my illness. One of the many nights spent up all night in my kitchen, listening to insanely loud music and spending hundreds of pounds online shopping, I suddenly became jumpy and paranoid. First of all I spotted a man’s face in the window and then saw several men in my hallway with weapons; I believed they were there to kill me. I cried and shut my eyes for an hour after that (at least) praying they would disappear, which eventually they did.

The mania continued day and night until I finally crashed into a suicidal depression.

One evening, having had no sleep again and in a highly emotionally vulnerable state, my semi-ex-boyfriend called me to say he could no longer stand me and we had to officially break up, for good.

He spoke to me as I ran a bath with the view of using my razors there to end it all. After fifteen minutes of me crying he hung up on me without a goodbye.

Fortunately my mum interrupted my two hour long suicidal daze in the bath that night and I didn’t carry it through.

It took me some time to recover from that rapid cycling episode. After two weeks of me begging to see someone from my local mental health team they finally sent a no less than evil man to my house. I had a terrible experience with him and wished I hadn’t met him at all.

It took me another month to get to where I am now, location-wise. It was only when I spontaneously decided to risk my recovery and go to a festival and meet up with a friend one weekend. That was when everything finally started to change for me, for the better, at long last after the summer from hell.

Within one night at the festival I fell into a relationship with another man, finally concluding my odd relationship with my ex. At first I was frightened that I had made a mistake, thinking perhaps I had ruined everything because I was meant to be with my ex.

Alas, I essentially moved in with the friend-come-boyfriend the following day, not knowing I would soon have rebuilt my life in my hometown.

Things have gone awfully fast since then and my whole life has changed once again. But I am back; back to where I always wanted to be. My life is back on track, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I have my friends; I have an all new, better social life. I have my brilliant psychiatrist back and I am quickly stabilizing thanks to a well needed adjustment to my medication.

For ten weeks now, I have been more ill than ever in my life. I am terribly afraid and yet still have to wait another six weeks to confirm the strong possibility that I have bowel cancer. However my boyfriend is being wonderful and taking great care of me, feeding me on a diet which he believes will help dramatically with my health. I do not have great faith in the concept myself but it is certainly worth a try.

I deteriorate by the day and so I am not sure what else to do other than wait for the test; there really isn’t much else I can do.

I am very grateful that I was granted a couple of days of increased energy over Christmas and New Year. I had a heart-warming Christmas spent with my boyfriend’s generous and kind family, his mum even cooked us a vegan dinner (I may not have mentioned that we are both vegans). Things such as singing songs around the piano that evening made me feel at home which was just what I needed having decided before that Christmas was cancelled for various reasons. I am pleased still that I made the decision to donate everyone’s gift money to charity; I have realised this year that many people are especially greedy at this time of year.

I saw in the New Year a few days ago, accompanied by my best friend who came down to visit. I could not possibly have asked for more at the moment we counted down the end of 2014, and frankly I was glad it was over and I could turn over a new leaf.

Surrounded by wonderful people, watching my wonderful and talented boyfriend serenade the bar with his music and blessed with a great atmosphere, I smiled; for real, knowing things will be ok.


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